A Homeric Epic in Equestria
by Honorius12
Summary: A monster invades Equestria. A fat, yellow, bald monster. Naturally, Hijinks ensue.
1. Captain Monkey Wins World War II

The movie showed several views of a dark, lonely estate. Then it entered a window and closed in on a snow globe clutched by a dying man.

"_Rose…bud…"_

"BO-RING," said the viewer, who changed the channel.

"_We now return you to our feature presentation, _Captain Monkey Wins World War II_,"_ said a narrator.

"Ooh!"

"_Ah cannot believe zat we ah being defeated by a monkey!" _said Adolf Hitler.

"_Not just any monkey, mein führer. A __**Captain**__ Monkey!"_ said his underling.

Captain Monkey Wins World War II was one of the silliest films made in the Twentieth Century. The concept was ridiculous, the writing was corny, the acting was terrible, and for some reason the Nazis all had French accents. To the average human being, this was one of the lowest forms of entertainment…

…but to one simple, stupid man, it was a masterpiece of action, drama, suspense, and romance.

Homer Simpson watched the Z-grade flick with awe as the eponymous primate crashed into der Fuhrer's office of evil.

"_Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh-ah!" _proclaimed Captain Monkey, with Gusto.

"_But ze monkey! She cannot fly!"_ said Hitler.

Captain Monkey produced a jetpack from thin air, and went straight for the megalomaniacal tyrant when…

"Homer!" called a nagging voice.

"Muuuhhh." Replied Homer.

Marge Simpson walked into the living room to stand in front of the television.

"Homer, have you mowed the lawn yet?" asked the Simpsons matriarch.

"Monkey punching bad guy. Me mow later," said Homer.

Marge plucked the TV remote from the couch and turned off the TV. "You've put it off for too long! The grass is taller than Bart is!"

"No it's not," said Homer. "Look, you can see Maggie playing out there!"

Indeed, Maggie Simpson's head was poking out of the top of the grass. Then Bart walked inside with Maggie atop his head.

"Mow the grass, Homer."

"But I CAN'T stop watching now!" pleaded Homer. "If I don't watch Captain Monkey, then we'll lose World War Two!" He turned to Marge. "Do you want to be responsible for letting the British take Pearl Harbor? Do you?!"

Marge's frown of disapproval remained unchanged by the fallacious remark.

Homer walked to the garage to get the lawnmower, grumbling under his breath as he went.

* * *

Homer thought his day couldn't get any worse as he mowed his forest of a lawn when…

"Howdily doodily neighboreeno!"

It never failed. Every time Homer was doing chores in the yard, the stupidest jerk in the world was just across the fence.

"Hello, Flanders," grumbled Homer. "Did you forget to mow the lawn too?

"Almost did. I was just about to sit down and watch a movie, but thank the lord little Roddie noticed that the grass was half an inch too high. He doesn't like when it tickles his feet. If not for him, I'd be sitting around watching TV when the grass is screaming to be trimmed!"

Homer glowered straight ahead of him at nothing in particular. If it wasn't enough that Ned was right next to him doing the exact same thing he was doing, it was that he was enjoying it while Homer… didn't.

"Lousy grass," he mumbled, when he heard a car sound from his driveway. He saw Marge drive away with the kids in tow.

"There goes Marge and the kids. I'll bet they're having fun while I'm stuck cutting this… green… stuff." He imagined his wife and children eating ice cream on a moon bounce with sexy beer cans.

"I'm sure glad Dad isn't here, because this is way too fun," said Lisa.

"I love making Dad miserable," said Bart.

"What 'chu talkin' 'bout boy?" said Maggie.

"Stupid moon bounce." Said Homer.

"Wait, you fool! While Marge is gone, you can watch TV!" said Homer's brain.

"I can do what now?" asked Homer.

"With Marge gone, you're free to do whatever you want!" said Homer's brain.

"Including that?" asked Homer.

"No! You can watch Captain Monkey!" said Homer's Brain.

"Captain who?" said Homer.

…

Inside Homer's head, footsteps sounded, and then a door slammed.

"Wait…" said Homer. "With Marge and the Kids gone… then I can watch TV!"

He rushed through the tall grass back into the house, forgetting to turn the electric lawnmower off.

* * *

Once inside, Homer plopped back down on the couch and turned the TV back on.

"Oh, Captain Monkey," said a young woman with long blonde hair. "I wish you were President! Then all of our dreams could come true!"

"Ooh-ooh-ah, ooh-ah-ah," said Captain Monkey.

Entranced by the TV, Homer didn't notice the runaway lawnmower tearing up the carpet until it ran over his toes.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" shouted Homer. He jumped up and down on one foot, shouting all the while. Then with the clumsiness of a Simpson, he slipped and fell headfirst into the TV, crashing through the display.

"Ooooooh… owwwww…" Homer moaned as he collected himself (which was easy, as there wasn't much to collect). Suddenly, a flashing light caught his attention. While the lawnmower was tearing up the kitchen, it had revealed a flashing, strobing blue hole on the wood underneath. Homer inspected it with confusion.

"I don't remember this being here. Or do I?" He pondered.

"Well look who's come crawling back," said Homer's brain.

"But I'm standing up," said Homer, nonplussed.

"Do you want me to try and remember what that is?" asked Homer's brain.

"Yes, please," said Homer.

"I don't remember," said Homer's brain.

"You don't?" asked Homer.

"No I don't," replied Homer's brain.

"Well look who's come crawling back," said Homer.

…

More footsteps; another door slam.

Homer returned to inspecting the flashing blue hole.

"Hmmm…"

And now we come to the part where Homer demonstrates the sort of behavior that proves that he should have died years ago, in that he has the same sort of instinct for finding trouble that other humans do for avoiding it:

Homer touched the hole.

Immediately, the hole pulled on him, sucking him into an inter-dimensional portal that would lead towards hijinks abound. We leave you with his commentary on the event:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"


	2. The Yellow Beast

Homer fell hard onto a hard wooden floor with a loud "THUD!"

"Ohhh," Homer moaned. "Why does everything hard hurt so much?"

He got up, made slightly more difficult than usual as his belly had made a small crater in the floor.

"Now where am I?"

It was a little dark for some reason, but wherever he was, it wasn't anywhere he'd been before. Homer stepped backwards, attempting to survey his surroundings, until his very large behind bumped into something, making him take a pratfall.

"D'OH!"

He got up and turned around to see the most pleasing sight of his day. Underneath a counter, behind a glass case were rows and rows of cakes. There were big ones, small ones, round ones, square ones, frosted ones, multilayered ones, and jelly rolls. There were also several trays of cupcakes, all frosted and some sprinkled.

"Mmmm… cake…"

Homer reached out to take a cake, but his hand was stopped by the aforementioned layer of glass.

"Wuh?"

He tried pounding on the glass.

"So that's the way it's gonna be is it?" Homer asked the case rhetorically.

Homer took several steps back before charging at the case. He leapt at the case, but overshot it and the counter, and crashed into the wall on the other side, crumpling onto the floor below.

"D'ooooooh…" he moaned.

Then he noticed a handle on the glass.

"Muh?"

He pulled on it, and the case opened.

"WOOHOO!"

He immediately began feasting on the sugary delicacies within.

* * *

Pinkie Pie woke up earlier than she usually did. Whenever this happened, she always had too much energy to stay in bed, so she always got up.

Of course, she never minded this.

"Good Morning, Ponyville!" exclaimed Pinkie as he jumped out of bed. "Wait, I can't say 'good morning, Ponyville' unless everyone can hear it!" She opened up her window. "GOOD MORNING, PONYVILLE!" she shouted.

She then closed it and cheerfully trotted downstairs. She froze on the stairs when she heard someone eating.

"Mrs. Cake? Are you up early too?"

Whoever it was kept eating.

"Mr. Cake? Are you having that cake-gobbling party that I keep asking for but you keep on saying no without me?"

She went through the kitchen to the counter in the front, when a horrific sight met her eyes. A giant, yellow monster with a white shirt and blue pants was eating the store's cakes! As it swallowed the rest of an entire four-layer double chocolate cake, it turned around to look at Pinkie with humongous, white, bug-like eyes. Pinkie Pie screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! MONSTER!"

Then the monster screamed just as loud.

"MONSTER?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Soon both creatures were running and galloping around; emitting high, girlish screams. The racket woke the Cakes, who came quickly onto the scene. While in truth, both Pinkie and the beast were running around in circles, to the Cakes, it looked like Pinkie was being chased by a terrible yellow beast. They ran out of the store to get Ponyville's top expert on never-before-seen creatures, among other numerous subjects.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was reading a fascinating essay on economics by Silver Smith over her morning oats when the Cakes burst in unexpectedly.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cake!" exclaimed Twilight. "What's wrong? You two look like you've been chased by a manticore for a few miles!"

"Not quite," said Cup Cake. "Twilight, you've got to get over to Sugarcube Corner! Pinkie's being chased by some big, yellow monster!"

"We've never seen something like it before!" said Carrot Cake. "Celestia knows what sort of danger Pinkie's in right now!"

"I'm on it!" said Twilight.

She ran to the door, and then stopped.

"Could you two get the rest of the girls and tell them to get to Sugarcube Corner as quickly as possible?"

"Whatever you say, Twilight!" said Cup Cake.

The three Equestrians exited the library, all running in different directions.

Twilight galloped at top speed while trying to figure out what could be attacking Pinkie.

"_It couldn't be a dragon," _she thought._ "Why would they single out and attack one pony? A Manticore's coat is yellow-ish, maybe more brown though. No, if it had been anything like those, the cakes would've identified it by species. But what could it be?"_

As the building came into sight, she heard screams getting steadily louder and louder as she drew near. She saw several ponies surrounding it, unable to draw especially close due to fear.

Twilight charged up to the door, busted it open, and observed what was inside. Her jaw dropped.

Two organisms were running haphazardly around the bakery, screaming as though their lives depended on it. One was Pinkie Pie. The other, for lack of a better word, wasn't. It had two legs, and two arms with hands, like a minotaur. The similarities with the familiar Tauran race ended there, however. It was completely hairless, except around what appeared to be a mouth. It had smooth, yellow skin and great white eyes with dots for what seemed to be pupils. Most perplexing of all, it was wearing a white shirt, blue pants, and two grey-black shoes on its hind legs (Well, only legs, that is). It wasn't often that Twilight saw something that she hadn't seen illustrated or described in a book. It took three full minutes before she finally snapped out of her shock and went to talk to the hysterical Pinkie Pie.

"Pinkie! What is that thing? Did it attack you?" asked Twilight.

Pinkie abruptly stopped screaming. "Oh, I don't know what that weird thing is. I was sort of surprised when I saw it, so I screamed and I was like 'AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! MONSTER!'" the last part which she screamed at the top of her lungs, to Twilight's surprise and frustration. "Then I kept screaming and running around 'cause it was so fun, like I was in a haunted house or something!"

Twilight facehoofed. "Pinkie, have you ever heard of the Colt Who Cried Wolf?"

Pinkie giggled. "It's not a wolf, silly! In fact, I don't even know what it is! What is it?"

"Well…"

"Ooh! Is it a giant yellow monkey from another planet?!"

"I don't know! It shouldn't exist! It's not in any book I've ever read!"

Suddenly, four young mares charged through the door. The rest of their friends had arrived.

"I came as fast as I…" began Rarity. Then she and the others stared at the yellow monster. She gasped. Fluttershy eeped. Both Rainbow Dash's and Applejack's mouths dropped.

"What… in tarnation…" started Applejack.

"WHAT… IS… THAT?" said Rainbow Dash.

Meanwhile, the ape-like monster continued to scream and run around in circles.


End file.
